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April 29, 2013
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To be a good writer,
you must...

Have found childhood hell,
Dueled teachers in classroom chambers,
have eyes like cynical searchlights,
never got to university,

Be filled with highbrow metaphors
and have an air of pretentiousness,
look like the God of GQ,
have a dark beard,
smoke
(or and drug problem will do),
openly confess small problems daily
(even though your life is fantastic),


Have subtlety border to non-existent,
Hate everyone,
find yourself in parties
of similar minded arrogants  
who attack you with waves of
passive-aggressive mockeries
while swirling champagne
in a quartz glass while
wondering why its not diamond.

You must despise your pen,
value your work as sewage,
spew every ounce of melodrama
on to your symbol-filled paper,

Feign interest in fans,
have a mental disorder
(if too hard to achieve, pretend you are
plagued with imaginary problems;
this will give you a tragic canvas
to paint your life on,
this helps sell books).

Do all of this,
and the glorious world
of authoring
shall be yours!
NaPoWriMo Day 29# and oooh, cynical-cut poems. Damn, I'm getting deep.

This is a list poem which makes fun of highbrow writers and their pretentiousness, their melodrama and their constant distaste of life. It's also a jab at myself, as in my life I have felt I will never be a successful writer because for the most part I feel happy in life. Which I know is bullfish, but the idea is still there...
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:iconimaginative-lioness:
imaginative-lioness Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is such an interesting, entertaining read. You captured me instantly, as the poem - all the way through - is quite humorous. I honestly had a smile on my face the entire time. You did a wonderful job bringing together the stereotypes of writers - you don't always have to have some wild, crazy life experience to excel in writing.

My favourites lines were:

'smoke
(or and drug problem will do),
openly confess small problems daily
(even though your life is fantastic)'


And:

'while swirling champagne
in a quartz glass while
wondering why its not diamond'


And, the line 'Dueled teachers in classroom chambers,', instantly reminded me of Harry Potter, haha.

This is a wonderful read, leaving a smile on my face. A very unforgettable piece. :heart:
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love the kind of satire/criticism you've done here of the 'true writer' cliché here, about how you have to be this deep, brooding creature with nothing good in their life if you ever want to be one of the greats. I mean, yeah, having had shit in your life does give you some extra experience/inspiration to draw upon, but I've still always found it ridiculous.

Poetically, I love your sarcastic tone in this poem; this seems to be the only time you've done it, but I bet you could write some great stuff if you keep up with that. Not exclusively, obviously, but it makes for fun poems.

while swirling champagne
in a quartz glass and
wonder why its not diamond.


I absolutely love those lines. They describe so much more than writers in that sense, not to mention your imagery is strongest here. There's a bit of a tense issue here(not like tension, but grammar tense), which is that having 'swirling' and then later having 'wonder' is kind weird. "as they swirl" or "in a quartz glass;/wondering why it's not diamond." That way the verbs will match. It's maybe a little thing, but you know how I am with that stuff. Besides that, in "Have subtlety border to non-existent," 'border to' should be 'bordering on.'

Overall, though, I think this is great, and definitely a fun read.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you a lot for the critique!

Yeah, I did have some fun writing this. A good slap to the face for myself as well, actually.

I'll get those verbs fixed though :)

(Also, those lines were my favourite as well).
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:iconroosjek:
RoosjeK Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist
I think i'd prefer to be happy than an author after reading this! I'm sure you'll become successful in your own way :)
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Student Writer
That's the plan =P

You preparing for Young Writer's Award?
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:iconroosjek:
RoosjeK Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist
What? nope cos i wasn't aware of its existence! what is it? apart from an award for young writers? :) :teamwork:
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Student Writer
[link]

Good ol' Scottish Book Trust =P
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:iconroosjek:
RoosjeK Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist
thanks for the tip off. I'll give it a glance :bug: :)
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Student Writer
Did you make that ladybird yourself?! :0
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:iconroosjek:
RoosjeK Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist
nope but I found an incredibly long list of all the emoticons on deviant art in existence! [link]
:ninjabattle: :crash: :clueless: :stupidme: (I hope these work!)
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