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A cloud god
spilled his sun-glass of
peach juice across the sky,
the orange frothed into
white strands
flooding into
heavenly Morse code.

The solar drink thinned
into a beard-grey
until the dome was
a glass-black sea,
the moon
an uneaten celestial crisp.
NaPoWriMo Day 27# and I do like sunsets.

Another poem about sunsets. Pretty proud of this, actually. Again, I seem to do best in poetry when its in descriptive nature poems.

EDIT: 17/9/13 Tweaked some things. I know it isn't the poem that originally got a DLD, but I do think it reads a lot better than it used to.
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:iconminijacksondiangelo:
MiniJacksonDiAngelo Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Student Writer
Very peach and orangey.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Student Writer
xP

Glad you enjoyed it :3
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:icona-la-douce-memoire:
a-la-douce-memoire Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Professional Writer
I love this! 

I want to eat the moon and drink the sky... *scribbles that down*
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Student Writer
Haha, glad I could inspire you :D

Anything you can see that I could work on/ improve?
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:icona-la-douce-memoire:
a-la-douce-memoire Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Professional Writer
Let me come back to that, I'm getting ready for work right meow, but I SHALL RETURN!
Reply
:iconxluckyxfridayx13x:
xLuckyxFridayx13x Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay, I feel like a jerk for this comment because I know that you asked for critiques that explore both positive and negative elements but....... I really like the imagery in here. It just makes me practically taste citrus. I tried to find something wrong with pacing, or grammar, or anything, but I couldn't. So there you go. Nice work.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for the comment :3

Also, thanks for the honesty; sorry there's nothing to fix xD
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:iconxluckyxfridayx13x:
xLuckyxFridayx13x Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome. :) And it's okay, it's a good thing on your end. xD
Reply
:iconemerald-alexandria:
Emerald-Alexandria Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student Writer
This is fantastic imagery
!
Reply
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for your kind words!

(And Watch :3)
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:iconmedoriko:
Medoriko Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Student Writer
:o Jesus. I wish i could write like this. I can see why it got a DLD. The imagery here is unreal. You are so skilled :clap:  So naturalistic and lovely. I love your word choice and descriptions. Fantastic. I gotta fav.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Student Writer
Flattered xP

Thanks for your kind words.
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:iconmedoriko:
Medoriko Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Student Writer
Of course!
Reply
:iconaggromiau:
AggroMiau Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Awesome :omg: I've never read a poem like this about sunset :worship:
I realy love the wordplay and how you cast 'magic' with your words, letting such a vivid scene unfold in the readers mind...

:heart: + :clap: + :worship:
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :D

I'd never thought of the imagery as being outstandingly surreal, but I'm glad people like it :3
Reply
:iconfake-theory:
fake-theory Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013
this is a really cool poem! i love your imagery. <3
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you :D

Have to say, never did consider it my best imagery, but there are some nice stuff in there, aye.
Reply
:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'll start by congratulating you on the DLD; I didn't know you got one for this. Also, I thought I critiqued this already but I guess not. Which is good because I need 3 more this week. :XD:

Anyway, critique.

I love that first sentence, and the drink theme you keep throughout this poem. It's not a sunset metaphor I've seen in the past, so it's refreshing(much like actual peach juice) in that sense. The imagery is pretty good, especially in the second stanza, with colours described as 'beard-grey,' and 'glass-black.' Especially since black glass is something that tends to be associated with volcanoes and such, and by extension, immense heat like the sun gives off. Not sure if that's what you were going for, but I like it anyway. I've noticed that most of your best imagery comes from those hyphenated words you do.

I don't think there's much I'd really change much about this one. "An uneaten celestial crisp" is a great line, though I kind of question the comparison of the moon to crisps. But even then, I think it's unique, and wouldn't get rid of it.

So, overall, you've got a great poem here, and it becomes clearer and clearer that nature is your forté in poetry.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you :D

I didn't actually think of a connection between glass black and volcanoes and sun heat, but it is a good point :)

And yes, I do think nature is the thing I need least work on poetry wise.
Reply
:iconeclaire291:
eclaire291 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
How intriguing! You are definitely the master of nature-themed poetry. I loved the descriptions that made this ethereal and cemented the idea of the sunset. Especially the description of the sun-glass. It was lovely! Great work. :boogie:
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ooh this imagery is delicious!
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :D I do find my imagery often veers to a food-based side subconsciously; reading my own work never does make me hungry though xD I guess that stems from my personal belief all senses are just different types of taste (smell = tasting the air, touch = tasting the physical world, etc).
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like that! Senses all being a form of taste. I really like that. If I could favorite that comment, I would.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Student Writer
WE MUST PESTER dA STAFF. Because they always take the community's opinion on board :rolleyes:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner May 21, 2013   Writer
Congratulations on the DLD "Pick of the Day." I can see why you got that extra feature.
Your work brings the uncommon together with the common in a wonderful way. Thank you. :+fav:
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Writer
Your welcome :) Surprised that one is so loved by everyone; that one never stood out to me as being outstanding xD
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner May 22, 2013   Writer
That happens to me, too, when I get a feature like this. Surprise. XD
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Writer
Next, a DD! I hope xP
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner May 22, 2013   Writer
I can't get another until August at the earliest. DDs make me :faint: -- lol -- but still true.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Writer
Wait, you've already had a DD?! :0
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner May 22, 2013   Writer
Um. Yeah. Four. But I've been here a long time and written over 180 stories and a few poems.
Don't be discouraged!
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Writer
Oh mai :0

Welp, congrats for your DDs =P
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(1 Reply)
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner May 21, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations and has been selected as our "Pick of the Day". It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Writer
:D

Oh wow, thank you so much! I'll be sure to check the other work out.
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:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner May 3, 2013   Writer
Absolutely gorgeous. :love:
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :D
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:iconsilent-intrigant:
Silent-Intrigant Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is just so majestic and lovely!
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:iconanobrain:
anobrain Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013
this is worded so beautifully :heart:
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you =D
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:icondaylightwritings:
daylightwritings Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
That image is beautiful.
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Student Writer
:D

And I love you so much for the comment ;D
Reply
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